warning: read at your own risk.

this post is going to be rather lengthy/complainy.  i was having a rough day and instead of creating the world's longest facebook post, i decided to start a new blog!  that's the logical thing to do, right?  don't answer that.
i tried my hand at this blogging thing back in the day during the overwhelming throes of postpartum depression in the hopes that writing could be my "outlet." then, i would't have to feel guilty about the fact that i wasn't crafting something or cooking gourmet meals for my workaholic husband and persnickety 9 month old (who just happened to be consuming mostly breastmilk).   anyway, lets just say i gave it a good college try, but finally succumbed to my tendency to compare myself and my blog to everyone else's...who just happened to be crafting and cooking and decorating and growing/eating everything from their own backyard, etc.  i was literally unable to see my writing for what it was worth:  just something i enjoyed to do and also a place to vent if the situation should arise...which it did :)  i got caught up in the numbers game.  how many comments did i get?  when would i be on the today show because i had over a million readers?  i know, it sounds ridiculous, but i've always struggled with insecurities and at that time, they took over and i wasn't strong enough to combat them, so i gave up.  fast forward to this afternoon.  i've come a long way since the days of making daily goals to just get up off the couch. i feel pretty happy. most of the time.  i now live somewhere where the sun shines almost every. single. day. and i can't even tell you the difference that has made on my psyche.  well, actually i'm sure i will through the course of this digital journal, but suffice it to say, for the most part, i'm doing well.
then, today happened and as the hours dragged further and further on, my inner self doubt began rearing its ugly head.  as a side note, i know that most blogs are written with the intent to give advice and aid in the common struggles of others.  well, in this case, i'm going to need some serious advice and i want you to aid in my struggles :) i seriously will welcome anything you've got.  i'm feeling at a loss with parenting.  i know this is common ground and every mom doubts themselves every once in awhile.  i happen to have a very active self critic that is constantly on my case, so bear with me.  my kids literally do not play with toys with which my house just happens to bursting at the seams.  unless they're watching tv, eating, or i'm playing entertainment specialist, they are laying around"totally bored, with nothing to do" (yes, that's a direct quote) or bugging each other to the point of sheer misery.  what do i do?  i want to give them stuff all the time!  i love the joy they get from receiving something they've been dreaming of.  i was there.  i remember the exuberance that new toys brought.  i also didn't get everything i wanted though, and i believe firmly in appreciating what one has.  have i ruined my children?  are they ungrateful?  in my struggle with depression/self doubt have i missed my chance to mold them into adventuresome, creative children that make their own fun and disappear for hours at a time, getting lost in their imaginations?
i know this sounds totally doomsday, but i just feel bombarded with studies and articles about how kids learn the most when their toddlers.  that they become the people they are going to be when they're 2.  I was asleep when my kids were 2!  literally!  well, until now anyway.  i know that regrets only serve to bring us down and don't allow us to move forward, but on days like this i can't help but wonder if i've reached the point of no return and that my severe lack of creativity has caused an even greater lack in my children.  help!  if any of you are still reading, can you impart any nuggets of wisdom?  am i a lost cause?  should i just throw in the towel and find my kids a more suitable home or is there still hope for us?
of course i wouldn't really sell my children.  i just want to give them the best life and help them to be self-sufficient, grounded human beings.  in this era of technology, where everything is so easily ascertained, my laziness and need to be entertained makes it all the more difficult for me to make the effort to be proactive in my parenting.  i've gotten better, but there is still so much further to go.
even though it has been a difficult day full of introspection and doubt, i truly am grateful that there is a greater plan that i know to be in existence.  i know that this life is merely a preparation and that every positive step i make within myself and my children's lives will push me towards becoming something greater...not someone else's something, but my own.

thank you for listening and if you ever need someone to talk to--i'm all ears :)