clarification

i appreciate everyone who reached out to me on Facebook after my last posting.  i appreciate all the advice and i truly welcome it as i am fully aware that there is so much more i have to learn in this life.  i do feel like i need to clarify my situation a little bit though.

the struggle that i'm having is not actually a lack of fulfillment at home and a desire to go back to work.  its actually the opposite.  i love being at home with my kids.  i never even considered daycare an option for me.  (side note--i'm not trying to offend anyone that does.  i respect your choices.  i just never wanted that for myself).  my struggle is should i have that desire?  should i want something more?  when i mentioned that i felt alone its because i honestly haven't met a fellow mother that isn't "busy" doing something...whether its work or a hobby or a list of projects.  i personally don't have that and i feel like i'm missing something.  does that make more sense?  there are so many inspirational people that have in and out of my life and i'm grateful for the influence that everyone has had on my life.  i just can't help but feel like i missed the memo that everyone else received.

i do need to say that i am happy.  i have my days like everyone else...one of them being when i wrote last :) but for the most part i feel like there is light in my life and there is purpose.  i just know there is more and i firmly believe that if i really strive to find out what that is instead of waiting for someone to give it to me (which is what i've done up to this point...i know that, but its hard to change.  that's the reality of it) i will find it.  i need to be more serious about prayer and study and faith.  things just don't come as easily for me as they do for others.  once i truly accept that, i can move forward.  anyone have a magical recipe for that by any chance ;)

to work or not to work...

isn't this the question of the ages for moms around the world...its right up there with "should i bottle feed, should i let the kids sleep in my bed, should i only feed my kids organic food, should i get rid of the television and the iPad and only allow educational computer time???  with all these difficult decisions to make, its no wonder women suffer from anxiety and depression and self doubt...and when i say women, i mean me.  i'm not trying to say poor me, my life is so hard.  its really not, i'm extremely blessed, but the fact that my life is "easy" and my trials seems trivial when compared to the life threatening illnesses and poverty and disabilities, etc that others have to deal with is the precise reason why i'm struggling today. here's some back story...

ever since i was 12, i worked.  don't worry, you don't need to call child protective services or anything.  i worked for my mom and i babysat.  when i turned 16, i got a "real job" and worked as a receptionist/office manager.  I went on a mission (that was serious work, let me tell you), I went to college and i literally wasn't ever not working.  i got my degree in spanish because (and here is the seed of my issue today) i didn't really know what i wanted to do with my life.  i thought this was normal.  i thought people went to college and then decided.  i don't really feel like that's the case anymore and maybe it wasn't even then.  maybe i was alone...i definitely feel that way now.  more on that in a bit. i always knew i wanted an education.  i thought i wanted to be an actor.  well, that obviously wasn't going to happen.  i had certain morals that i wasn't wiling to compromise and moving to los angeles or new york to "try to make it" just wasn't in the cards.  by that point, i was a sophomore.  it was time to choose.  i knew i wanted to be a mom.  i didn't have any other career aspirations.  yes, i always worked, but to what end?  did there have to be an end?  my mom always made her own money.  she grew up on welfare.  so it was important to her to make sure she could always make her own way.  i understood that, but i wasn't "driven" to make a lot of money or "climb the corporate ladder."  i wasn't creative, i wasn't extremely motivated.  i knew i liked to work out so i tried to go into fitness...too much chemistry...hmm....i knew spanish.  i could do something with that right?  lo and behold, i could!  someone told me about interpreting and how it actually paid pretty decent, plus i could help people and make my own hours.  this all sounded so right.  it sounded like the perfect way to be a mom and work when i chose.  things were looking up when i walked down the aisle toward my fancy diploma and wide open future.  

well...i moved to spokane.  turns out there aren't a whole lot of spanish speakers that call it home.  work was slim and to top it all off, i didn't have a car which, as it turns out, is necessary in order to do freelance work.  the day after i was going to give up and move back home, i met my husband.  voila!  that was the reason i was living there...things were going to turn out how they were supposed to after all.  we moved back to camas, i got a job at a dentist's office, all the while speaking less and less spanish.  then, i got pregnant which was definitely not in the plan.  i continued to work in my husband's office until the baby came and then with andy working and going to school, i stayed home to care for the little one.  then he slept and slept and slept and i didn't leave the house and subsequently spoke even less spanish.  

i knew that i had a lot of time on my hands.  i knew i should come up with something to fill that time with besides nothing.  instead of motivating me to fill that time with something meaningful, however, i became overwhelmed and guilty and sad.  so many women that I know have been in the same situation. they have a baby and a lot of time.  somehow they made something happen!  they blogged, they sewed, they built a business, they went back to work...they became proactive. the reason why i'm writing this today is because i feel like i made (or didn't make as the case may be) a life altering decision at that time.  i didn't come up with a  plan. i didn't fill my days with a  hobby that turned into a career or at least a money maker of sorts.  i obsessed about all the time i was wasting, but i was incapable for whatever reason to make my own way.  i'd always been told what to do and i was good at it.  i was never going to be a boss and i was fine with that.  i enjoyed getting a list and checking it off.  i enjoyed busy work and now that it was up to me to come up with my own agenda...i was at a complete loss.

now i know that my kids aren't doomed like i questioned in my first post.  i know if i pray and raise them with integrity, they will become righteous, beautiful humans.  what i don't know now is how to progress myself.  i mentioned before i've slowly been losing my fluency in spanish, but at the same time i've been feeling more and more pressure to work and move forward in my own personal growth.  i'm scared.  that's the truth.  i don't speak spanish anymore and that was my ticket to be a "work at home mom." i was going  to interpret on my own terms.  now i can't, now i have no skills.  what have i done? i'm finally to a point in my life where i feel like i know myself and i'm okay with what i am.  my kids are happy and in school (well 2 out of 3).  i should have a plan.  i should do something worthwhile, but i am at a complete loss.  i failed all those years ago.  i know deep down that i'm not hopeless.  there's got to be something i can do, but i have no idea what.  

i mentioned before that i feel alone.  obviously i'm not.  i've made amazing friends and built life long relationships.  what i mean by that is i feel like no one really understands my situation.  i talk to moms that are too busy so they're trying to "declutter" their lives.  i talk to ladies that have a difficult time balancing all the tasks they are juggling while still trying to be good parents.  this is my situation.  my situation is that i wake up in the morning and see the empty day stretch out before me.  i clean my house and then what? am i really alone in this?  i feel like i am so i feel like a failure. anybody out there like?  i mean really like me? did i miss the boat that everybody else caught? help.

good day.

i should just write "the end" because this day has literally been the opposite of the one in my inaugural post.  my oldest has begun his second school year...well i guess its technically his third since he did attend kindergarten.  anyway, we got him off to school (ten minutes late thanks to a discovery of an ant infestation in the pantry.  ants in the sugar anyone? as well as neither of us just plain not wanting to get up and get going at 6:30 in the am) and the girls and i got ready for the day (yes, i showered before 10 am!!  can i get an amen??) i had a few returns to make and some school lunch shopping to do, albeit two days into the school year...oops. any excuse to go to target.  right ladies?  side note--does anyone else love to buy stuff and then return it?  am i alone in feeling empowered by the customer service people handing me cold hard cash that i can pretend hasn't already been spent?  just me?  huh...

we drove to the mall, the one that's far away.  we sang songs in the car, we chatted about kindergarten, we ate suckers...it was, dare i say, fun? we got to the mall.  i returned a skirt and scored 20 bucks!!  then, we got back in the car and drove across the street to target...another side note--when i was deep in the throes of post-partum depression after my first and well, lets be honest, my second as well, just the thought of getting in AND out of the car not once, but twice was enough to overwhelm me and force me to pull the covers over my head and pretend that i didn't need groceries.  restaurant food tasted a whole lot better anyway, right?  yeah, i may just now be starting to actually become the "homemaker" that i've put on school/medical forms for the past 7 years...

we went to target.  we got popcorn and drinks...yeah, i can't resist.  i returned some curtains and made another 40 dollars! we walked around the store. we looked at the toys.  it was pleasant.  it was enjoyable!  maybe it was the fact that i had one less kid.  i''m going to choose to believe that my kids were just super obedient and well-mannered (can you hear the sarcasm?)  we exited the store with a cart full of "necessities" and a palpable lack of stress.  we again got back in the store and headed for home and nap time.  i realized i forgot to buy sunglasses.  turns out they are pretty necessary in the desert.  ugh...did i want to go back to the store?  yes!  i did!  i couldn't believe it.  i turned back into the mall parking lot, got the stroller out of the back, and sauntered (yes, sauntered...not sprinted so as to get in and out as quickly as possible) into yet another store.  i grabbed a 9 dollar pair of shades which were basically free because i returned all that stuff...and headed back to the car AGAIN!  I'm seriously winning at this point, you have no idea. the girls proceeded to fall asleep in the car and we returned home in time for lunch and a movie.  there you go, i'm not all perfect. i know you were beginning to think i was, but the television has been on a few times today ;)

i know that you're probably all thinking, what is the big deal??  she ran errands.  woopideedoo...don't worry, i'm getting to the point.

it wasn't just the successful errand running.  it was the fact that at several (perfectly uneventful/unexciting) moments during the day, i stopped to recognize the fact that i was truly, honesty enjoying myself.  i was having a "good day" and it didn't involve being away from my kids or getting pampered or being served dinner that i didn't have to make.  don't get me wrong, the girls weren't total angels.  stella screamed upon every entrance into a shopping cart and sofi begged for every barbie/my little pony carrying case in existence, but today i didn't mind.  today i happily shoved my two year old into her seat and said "not this time" a hundred times.  today i feel like there was a heathy mix of mercy from heaven and my own choice to decide to be happy through the monotony that becomes being a stay at home mom. today was a good day. heck, it was a great day and i'm so thankful i got to experience.  i know it sounds like a cat poster (thank you lego movie) but i'm grateful for the little things that can become great if we choose to let them.