ever since i was 12, i worked. don't worry, you don't need to call child protective services or anything. i worked for my mom and i babysat. when i turned 16, i got a "real job" and worked as a receptionist/office manager. I went on a mission (that was serious work, let me tell you), I went to college and i literally wasn't ever not working. i got my degree in spanish because (and here is the seed of my issue today) i didn't really know what i wanted to do with my life. i thought this was normal. i thought people went to college and then decided. i don't really feel like that's the case anymore and maybe it wasn't even then. maybe i was alone...i definitely feel that way now. more on that in a bit. i always knew i wanted an education. i thought i wanted to be an actor. well, that obviously wasn't going to happen. i had certain morals that i wasn't wiling to compromise and moving to los angeles or new york to "try to make it" just wasn't in the cards. by that point, i was a sophomore. it was time to choose. i knew i wanted to be a mom. i didn't have any other career aspirations. yes, i always worked, but to what end? did there have to be an end? my mom always made her own money. she grew up on welfare. so it was important to her to make sure she could always make her own way. i understood that, but i wasn't "driven" to make a lot of money or "climb the corporate ladder." i wasn't creative, i wasn't extremely motivated. i knew i liked to work out so i tried to go into fitness...too much chemistry...hmm....i knew spanish. i could do something with that right? lo and behold, i could! someone told me about interpreting and how it actually paid pretty decent, plus i could help people and make my own hours. this all sounded so right. it sounded like the perfect way to be a mom and work when i chose. things were looking up when i walked down the aisle toward my fancy diploma and wide open future.
well...i moved to spokane. turns out there aren't a whole lot of spanish speakers that call it home. work was slim and to top it all off, i didn't have a car which, as it turns out, is necessary in order to do freelance work. the day after i was going to give up and move back home, i met my husband. voila! that was the reason i was living there...things were going to turn out how they were supposed to after all. we moved back to camas, i got a job at a dentist's office, all the while speaking less and less spanish. then, i got pregnant which was definitely not in the plan. i continued to work in my husband's office until the baby came and then with andy working and going to school, i stayed home to care for the little one. then he slept and slept and slept and i didn't leave the house and subsequently spoke even less spanish.
i knew that i had a lot of time on my hands. i knew i should come up with something to fill that time with besides nothing. instead of motivating me to fill that time with something meaningful, however, i became overwhelmed and guilty and sad. so many women that I know have been in the same situation. they have a baby and a lot of time. somehow they made something happen! they blogged, they sewed, they built a business, they went back to work...they became proactive. the reason why i'm writing this today is because i feel like i made (or didn't make as the case may be) a life altering decision at that time. i didn't come up with a plan. i didn't fill my days with a hobby that turned into a career or at least a money maker of sorts. i obsessed about all the time i was wasting, but i was incapable for whatever reason to make my own way. i'd always been told what to do and i was good at it. i was never going to be a boss and i was fine with that. i enjoyed getting a list and checking it off. i enjoyed busy work and now that it was up to me to come up with my own agenda...i was at a complete loss.
now i know that my kids aren't doomed like i questioned in my first post. i know if i pray and raise them with integrity, they will become righteous, beautiful humans. what i don't know now is how to progress myself. i mentioned before i've slowly been losing my fluency in spanish, but at the same time i've been feeling more and more pressure to work and move forward in my own personal growth. i'm scared. that's the truth. i don't speak spanish anymore and that was my ticket to be a "work at home mom." i was going to interpret on my own terms. now i can't, now i have no skills. what have i done? i'm finally to a point in my life where i feel like i know myself and i'm okay with what i am. my kids are happy and in school (well 2 out of 3). i should have a plan. i should do something worthwhile, but i am at a complete loss. i failed all those years ago. i know deep down that i'm not hopeless. there's got to be something i can do, but i have no idea what.
i mentioned before that i feel alone. obviously i'm not. i've made amazing friends and built life long relationships. what i mean by that is i feel like no one really understands my situation. i talk to moms that are too busy so they're trying to "declutter" their lives. i talk to ladies that have a difficult time balancing all the tasks they are juggling while still trying to be good parents. this is my situation. my situation is that i wake up in the morning and see the empty day stretch out before me. i clean my house and then what? am i really alone in this? i feel like i am so i feel like a failure. anybody out there like? i mean really like me? did i miss the boat that everybody else caught? help.
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